I love it when you take me, you remind me

LEWIS HOWES: Of course, yeah. We do it, for sure. And if we’re not, my girlfriend always reminds me like, “Let’s go try something new.” If it’s been like a week or two where we’ve kind of been doing the same thing, just like going to the movie or the same dating apps for Gay adults place to eat. She’s like, “Let’s go try something new.” And I’m like, “Yeah, we need to.” She’s actually good at that because sometimes, I can just be focused on my vision and my work and just like not stop. It’s comfortable to just do the same thing and not have to think about creating something new. But I could see a difference in that creativity and that uniqueness when we go do something different as opposed to the same thing. I can feel the desire and curiosity and testosterone.

ESTHER PEREL: And then you say thank you. I mean, one person says, “It’s so nice.” I mean, I wouldn’t have thought about it. And then I don’t mind doing it if I feel appreciated for it because then okay, it became my role. For some reason, I have more availability in my headspace to think about those things. As long as I know that you really appreciate it, that you value this, that you’re coming along not to just doing me a favour, then I’ll come up with more and more ideas, and I would keep this going for years. We study erotic couples. It’s not an unknown. But they are engaged with each other, they enjoy each other’s company after decades. They still find each other interesting. They’re not bored.

The same happens in a relationship

ESTHER PEREL: I wanted to say one other thing that I had discovered that to me was really important because it is not getting enough attention these days. Everything these days is about you make it or you break it, you end. It’s not good, you leave. You can do better, you leave. You’re not happy or you could be happier, you leave. And I think that the people who actually want to stay after an infidelity in their relationship are often judged and looked down upon. “What’s wrong with you? You let him walk all over you, you let her boss you around.”

ESTHER PEREL: That’s right. Three, five, or twenty five, out. And I think sometimes out is what needs to happen. But sometimes, this happens in a good relationship, and it happened. And we need to know what to do when it happens, but just to judge people and shame them for staying isn’t fair.

ESTHER PEREL: Because they’re not perfect. And you know what? Sometimes what comes afterwards is going to be even better than what was before.

ESTHER PEREL: It’s the wakeup call. Like when you have an illness, it gives you a new perspective on life. Do I recommend you to get sick? No. But do I accept that sometimes out of that crisis, you will actually reprioritize your life and live with a different level of honesty and authenticity?

We know that there are people who maintain a certain spark, and it has nothing to do with how often they make love

ESTHER PEREL: Again and again, but you have to believe in the strength of people to actually take this, learn from it, resuscitate, and revitalize.

LEWIS HOWES: Yeah. So if you are the friend of someone who went through infidelity or has a girlfriend or boyfriend cheated on them and you’re hearing this as the friend, how do you create a space for your friend who went through this to make sure that you’re-I don’t know, you’re giving tough love like, “Okay, let’s make sure this doesn’t happen over and over,” or what’s the structure they can give if they can’t hire you or a therapist?